You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah: “Dear God, Stacy Friedman here. And what the hell?”

You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah is a Netflix film from Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison Productions based on the 2005 young adult novel of the same name by Fiona Rosenbloom. It’s directed by Sammi Cohen and stars Adam Sandler and his two daughters, Sunny Sandler, who plays the protagonist, 13-year-old Stacy Friedman, and Sadie Sandler, who plays Stacy’s older sister, Ronnie. Before you say Nepo Baby, they really do a great job and are so natural on camera—I guess that happens when you grow up on movie sets. I thought it was so sweet watching Adam Sandler acting alongside his real-life daughters as he plays their father in the movie. It must’ve been really special for him to share this huge part of his life with them. I loved this coming-of-age movie and thought it was so funny and relatable, having been a 7th grader once myself. Stacy narrates and talks to God throughout the film, which gave me Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret vibes, the novel by Judy Blume. I learned a lot about the Jewish religion from You Are So Not Invited. In a Variety interview with the director about bringing Jewish culture to the screen, Cohen said, “I think, even before getting into the specifics, learning about who you are and who you want to be in the world is a very Jewish experience, but it’s also a universal experience.” I completely agree. I’m not Jewish and didn’t grow up knowing any Jewish people, and yet I related so much to the teen stuff and the religious aspect of it. As the movie started, I have to admit I was so confused about why Stacy and her friends were in a Hebrew school. I just didn’t get why they needed to be in a separate school, working on a mitzvah project, but then, midway through the scene, it hit me that I went to Catholic school my whole life. I laughed at myself, noticing the similarities. Stacy and her friends are also portrayed in a very real way that is immediately relatable. I remember being thirteen, too, preparing for Confirmation just like Stacy and her friends prepare for their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. The only difference is I didn’t get a massive party out of it at thirteen.

While different cultures have different ways of celebrating a coming of age, Stacy narrates in the film’s opening, “try being a girl in middle school.” In the Latino community, we have Quinceañera’s for girls turning fifteen, but we don’t have anything for boys. I never liked being the center of attention, so I didn’t have one, which I’m sure was hard for my mom, especially since I was the oldest. If it’s two things my mom loves, it’s parties and her daughters, but I was just too shy. I think it’s cool that in the Jewish religion, both girls and boys participate in a ritual ushering them into adulthood. But You’re So Not Invited is about what it’s like to be a girl becoming a woman. This movie covers it all: crushes on cute boys, periods, shaving, falling out with best friends, sexy selfies, and, of course, not actually being an adult because you have to follow the rules of the two grown-ups in the house who just don’t get it: your parents. Stacy is the classic 13-year-old girl. In her own words, she’s selfish and bratty and annoying to her parents, who just want to make her happy. I can totally relate. I love a main character who is flawed and at fault for most of the trouble that happens. At that young age, you feel that the world revolves around you, hormones are raging, and your parents are supposed to appease your every whim. The most important thing to Stacy is having an awesome bat mitzvah because it will lead to her having a fab life. Is that crazy? Yes, but that’s another relatable thing about being a 13-year-old girl.

The book the movie is based on came out almost twenty years ago, but the movie is set in the present day, so it’s super modern. There’s even a moment when Stacy’s sister warns their mom about using the word “slut” because she’ll get canceled. It was funny seeing a child teach their parents something. It’s always interesting to get a peek at what the new generation is dealing with today. There’s a cool scene where Stacy and her best friend Lydia Rodriguez Katz (whose dad is played by Luis Guzmán, so we get some Latino representation in addition to one of their classmates being Ecuadorian!) are invited over to the cool girl Kym Chang-Cohen’s house. Kym asks Lydia if she only likes boys. “I think so,” Lydia responds. Kym replies, “Don’t worry. Some of us are straight, too.” Lydia’s relieved. The rules around gender and sexuality are extremely lax now compared to my generation and even more so than my parent’s generation. It can be really annoying when things in the media get too woke, but I found that scene refreshing. It’s a good thing that teenagers can openly discuss their sexuality without judgment and remain authentic to themselves. Being straight can be uncool in these bizarre times, so I’m glad they didn’t force anything. 

With social media being a thing now, it’s crazy to see how the internet can mess up your life when you’re in middle school. At the heart of You Are So Not Invited is the friendship and fallout of Stacy and Lydia, who are planning their bat mitzvahs. Stacy embarrasses herself in front of the cool girls and her crush, Andy Goldfarb, and hates that Lydia laughed at her with everyone else. At Lydia’s party, she catches Lydia kissing Andy, so Stacy disinvites her to her bat mitzvah, hence the movie title. And what does someone do to the person who hurts them? They hurt them back. Stacy shares an untrue rumor about her ex bff on the Instagram account, 7th_Grade_Rumorz, where you’re encouraged to spill the tea because everything is anonymous. That is just way too inviting for any 13-year-old girl to ignore. Tarnishing someone’s reputation with lies has been around since the beginning of time, but social media accelerates the delivery of a mean message to the masses. And you can’t take it back. The rumor keeps the two friends apart and makes it harder for either to apologize for their actions. All they do is hurt and punish each other—yeah, girls can be mean.

Breaking up with a friend is really hard, especially when you’re young. That’s why I loved that this movie was about Stacy having all these flaws as she learns how to be a better person and a best friend. That’s the growing pains of being thirteen. I remember my first female friendship fallout that occurred in the 7th grade. It was really emotional and devastating, and we never repaired the relationship, unlike Stacy, who is able to mend hers in a major way. A lot of the reason for the demise of my relationship with my bff was my fault for not being a good friend and a better person, like Stacy, but you’re not going to get it right at thirteen. I remember how much fun that friendship was, too. We both read The Baby-Sitter’s Club and the Harry Potter series, flipped through teen magazines and did all the fun quizzes, went to our first dance together, and just laughed a ton. I was also in her court for her Quinceañera. There were so many ups and downs to the friendship, and the relationship finally came crashing down in high school. I think we can all relate to that experience of losing a friend; it’s just part of growing up. 

I loved that You Are So Not Invited reminded me of all the things you go through as a young teen coming into adulthood: humiliation, seeing things the wrong way, thinking the world revolves around you, and learning life lessons. And this movie does it all with humor. There are times in the movie when Stacy thinks she can make decisions for herself, but her parents show her they’re still the boss. As much as she shrieks, “I’m becoming a freaking woman!” at her parents, they’re still the authorities she needs to plead with to get what she wants. While different cultures might put a number on when you’ve become an adult, it really takes a lifetime of lessons to grow up.