12 Summers

On a Monday off from work last month, as I walked Sebastian into school with the sun shining on us, it hit me that it was my first summer since I’d found a new job. Exactly two years ago, I went to a tarot reader to ask when I would find a new job, and she said it wouldn’t be soon but that I did have options. Now, I was finally on the other side of that with a new job. I was immediately filled with joy and had one of the best days ever. My old job was twelve years of most of my adult life, with the end of my time there feeling drained. For the first time, I thought I had moved a mountain, leaving an unhappy situation. It’s been three months that I’ve been at a new agency, and I’m much more at peace with what my day-to-day looks like. I have a lot more work, but that’s what I needed to be able to stay busy. Now my days fly. If I ever get a tiny bit anxious about the workload, I just remind myself of the tougher position I was ready to throw myself into for the sake of a change when I was interviewing at different places. My current workflow, the ability to do all of my work from home when I’m not visiting people, and the flexibility with my hours has been the perfect fit. I’ve been so at peace that my hair even started curling again! For the last several years my hair had been shedding a lot more than usual and had lost its natural curl. I didn’t know if it was birth control or getting older, so I spoke to my doctors about it. I began taking a hair growth vitamin last year and began to see improvement. Even my hairdresser at this curl texture salon I go to noticed new hair growing in and how it was curling again on its own. I truly believe a part of the reason for my hair getting healthy again is that I don’t have any more stress or heartbreak about feeling stuck. 

Changing what my day-to-day looked like also had a positive effect on how I felt about my writing. I no longer feel desperate about having a successful creative writing career. My energy shifted to feeling more at peace, knowing I was doing everything right. Last year, I found a mantra in the unlikeliest of places. I follow Amanda Hirsh on Instagram, who interviews celebrities on her podcast, Not Skinny But Not Fat. She posted one of her old Facebook posts from 2012 before she had found any success: “cool girl looking for cool profession.” Her caption was inspirational, and I added a portion of it to my calendar as a daily motivator: “I never let my mind settle and accept that I just won’t be able to do what I want. I believed in me. I believed that I was working these jobs that I said ‘didn’t represent me’ temporarily…until I get to what I’m supposed to do…I was even a bookkeeper at one point (ok!!!) and felt whoa this isn’t me, but hey, it’s paying my bills and allowing me to sustain myself while I work towards my dreams. Alls to say that, it’s never too late. Believe in yourself, keep working towards what you want, and it will happen!” It’s just always nice to keep reminding yourself that successful people were once where you were, too, dreaming, wishing, and working hard. I remember that Monday off from work was blissful. I want more days like that where I can set my morning routine at my pace and do what I want to do. I get inspired by podcasters like Amanda Hirsh, who talk about working day jobs until it becomes possible for them to sustain themselves off the work their creative visions produced. It’s a nontraditional path, but I see proof every day it’s possible. 

In May, we took Sebastian to get evaluated for assisted riding lessons. When we got to the barn, he was immediately drawn to the horse waiting for him. He walked around him, checking him out, and wasn’t afraid to be up close to the big animal. The instructor introduced herself, the two volunteers who would help with the assisted riding, and the horse named Elmer. One girl would lead Elmer while the other would walk beside Sebastian. The instructor would be on Sebastian’s other side. Before he could ride Elmer, though, he needed to put on a helmet. I was uncertain how it would go and was disappointed to hear that if he didn’t tolerate the helmet, he wouldn’t be able to ride. Sebastian hates hats and refuses to wear them; he’ll only wear it if it’s a hoodie. Although, last Halloween, he surprised us. We had gotten him a cool tiger costume with a tiger head. We didn't think he would tolerate wearing it, but as we got him dressed, he started to understand and got into it. He let Albert put the tiger gloves with claws on and didn’t move as his dad placed the hat over his curls. We were shocked. Sebastian does not stand still and, like I said, refuses to wear anything on his head unless it’s the hoodie of his coat. Something about transforming into an animal must’ve made it okay for him. 

Once they found a helmet big enough for him, the instructor showed it to him and attempted to put it on. Sebastian backed away immediately, and I thought that would be the end of it—no riding lessons. While Sebastian ran around the barn, the instructor told us about the groundwork he could do instead of riding. It sounded good, but I didn’t think anything other than riding would keep Sebastian engaged. As we talked, Albert showed Sebastian the helmet again, and he actually let him put it on! Wearing his helmet, he went up to Elmer and, with his index finger, touched his nose. We were all tremendously excited. Sebastian started touching the straps under his chin and, with his hands, gestured for the instructor to remove the helmet, so she did. They had him run up the ramp, and the volunteers brought Elmer to it. Sebastian turned to Albert, who followed him up the ramp and put his arms up so his dad could pick him up and put him on the horse. We all cheered, and they let Albert sit on top of Elmer while they scrambled to put the helmet back on. Thankfully, Sebastian had by then gotten the concept and wore the helmet so he could ride. Just when I thought the evaluation was over, Sebastian and Elmer were doing laps around the barn. I was so proud and happy.

He had two riding lessons after that. He started in the barn and did so well riding that he could immediately go out on the trail. Our main concern had been if Sebastian would want to get off Elmer mid-ride. We’d had no prior experience of how he would do since he’d never been on a horse. The closest example I could give was how he is on the swing: he loves the swing, but when he’s done, he hops off with no warning. Thankfully, he never did that while riding, which made the instructor more comfortable taking him out of the barn. My dad thinks the reason Sebastian came around to wearing the helmet is that he watches the animated series Spirit, a cartoon developed from the movie of the same name about a horse named Spirit, where kids ride horses wearing helmets. It’s cool that Sebastian learned something like that from one of his shows. 

What I hoped to get out of the assisted riding was for Sebastian to experience being near a horse since he loves big animals and horses and to participate in an activity for more than five minutes. At school, they work on his attention and focus, but he still doesn’t sit long to do work. What he has mastered at school is sitting for thirty minutes at lunch without getting up. That’s a huge accomplishment, but he hasn’t yet carried that over to dinner at home. For us, he’s still jetting off to the living room after every bite. His riding lessons last half an hour; the instructor and I thought it would take time for Sebastian to ride the whole time. He surprised us again, though. In that first lesson, he stayed on top of Elmer the entire time. It was amazing seeing him on top of a horse for the first time. He wasn’t fidgeting, he wasn’t looking around for an exit, he wasn’t making any dissatisfied sounds or trying to get anyone’s attention to help him off Elmer. He was calm, like he did this every day, enjoying the sights on the trail. I was proud of him for not being afraid. Elmer was also experienced and did such a great job remaining composed. Sebastian wouldn’t grab the reins, preferring to hold onto the saddle, so I’m hoping over time, his confidence grows and he does become comfortable holding the reins. His lessons resume in August, so I’m excited for him to return to his peaceful place. If it’s one thing I’ve learned this summer, it’s that inner peace feels like a million bucks.

Riding the carousel at the carnival