Barbie World

Image: Militza Molina

“You know, a lot of the kids nowadays are looking at us. We don’t post our pimples […] We’re selling confidence when we actually have the lowest self-esteem.”

  —Damaris, A Supermodel, Vogue Australia

My twenties were encumbered with painstaking efforts to treat my blotchy and scarred cheeks after struggling with cystic acne from 17 to 21-years-old (during my college years), a crucial period for evolving and socializing but that I— filled with insecurity and shame—refrained from. I paid for any affordable procedure that could correct my inflammation and scarring post-acne: chemical peels, facials, cryotherapy, microneedling; I invested in serums, exfoliators, and retinols to brighten my dull complexion. While my face was clearing up with the help of antibiotics and birth control, it took me longer to heal from the trauma. I had also lost four years during that short period struggling with acne because I just wanted to hide. Instead of telling myself this was temporary, I made radical decisions like staying home and only going out to attend my classes, isolating myself even from friends. Anytime I was invited out I had an excuse not to go. There were many difficult nights where I would cry in bed and stopped looking in the mirror altogether because it was just too hard. Years later my youngest sister would tell me, “I didn’t realize how bad your acne was until you started acting different.”

I was always introverted and uncomfortable with my face, struggling to love who I saw in the mirror, but when I started breaking out I really let my appearance affect me and made every decision based around how I looked. Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin took up a whole new meaning. It didn’t help my confidence when family members would look at me and ask, “What happened to your face?” I felt that in the small moments when I wasn’t thinking about my face, others were. Even though I knew acne was common I always seemed to find myself in a room where I was the only one with flaws. I stopped taking pictures and couldn’t escape the thought of feeling ugly and lonely. Even on a languid day spent reading a Nicholas Sparks romance novel, I was confronted with a passage where the male protagonist, admiring his son’s teacher and eventual love interest, thinks to himself: “It looked like she never had a blemish in her life.” Thanks, Nicholas Sparks. You can always rely on media to make you feel better about yourself.

Me at 22 on the far right with my mom and sister Margarett.

2012 Ocean City, Maryland

It’s difficult to believe that imperfections are normal when all you see on screens are stunning people who, probably, have never had a blemish in their life. We’re sold images of perfect looking people who might or might not look as great without some editing or retouching. We consume these polished photos and think of ourselves as less worthy because we don’t look like that; no wonder the skincare industry is a billion-dollar business! That’s why for me it was never enough that the antibiotics and birth control helped my skin clear up; I couldn’t be happy until every last spot was removed, and my texture smoothed out. We don’t see enough real images in media to think anything less than perfect is good enough. Now we carry images everywhere we go in the palm of our hand—it’s hard to ignore. I read this article, “The complicated truth about social media and body image” by Kelly Oaks that talks about the research behind edited images on social media making us feel worse about ourselves. The conclusion? “People are comparing their appearance to people in Instagram images, or whatever platform they're on, and they often judge themselves to be worse off.” The article references one study which found that all the individuals in the experiment who took selfies, whether they could edit or not, walked out feeling less attractive and confident than when they came in; they also discovered that even the selfie takers who edited their pictures still focused on what they didn't like about their appearance. The article acknowledges there are gaping holes in research on social media and body image and long term research needs to be done; however, it offers advice: take breaks from social media and curate your feed by carefully choosing who you follow.

One of my favorite Instagram accounts is my esthetician’s, @loveyourskinbysteph. Not only does she post great skincare tips and affirmations, but also images of real skin and celebrities’ pictures before and after procedures, or without retouching. These are great reminders that what we see in media isn’t all as it appears—there’s no such thing as perfection. Our pimples, pores, and pigmentation are actually pretty normal and the media’s lack of real representation only perpetuates self-loathing. There’s nothing wrong with improving areas that some money, technology, and a great esthetician can fix, especially when it can help boost your self-esteem and make you feel confident again. I believe that skincare is self-care; nevertheless, let’s not forget to invest back in ourselves, appreciate our journey, and love ourselves in whatever condition we’re in because, truthfully, our problems don’t last forever. And if you are dealing with something that can’t be cured the secret is not to care what people think of you because what they say to you doesn’t affect them at all, so why should it stick with you? I advise you to follow the sage Lil Wayne when he raps on Solange’s song, “Mad”: “You gotta let it go before it get up in the way.” It’s really hard to love yourself let alone like yourself when you’re not feeling yourself. It’s easy to fantasize about another life, another existence, but it’s a waste of time—time you don’t have—because every morning you wake up as yourself and that’s a blessing. You are one of one. I regret letting the way I felt about myself keep me from doing so many things. I stunted my own growth and was living in such a negative and unhealthy space for a long time. I’m still unlearning behaviors from my trauma and the miseducation we receive from society on what beauty looks like. I’ve also had to do a lot of reflection because my self-esteem issues, which stopped me from doing a lot of normal things, started long before my skin issues; the acne just exacerbated it. I believe one of the best ways to heal is to hear other people’s stories because having an insecurity will make you feel like you’re the only one, and that’s far from the truth. 

I have a family friend named Stephanie who has vitiligo. I was always interested in her journey and how she dealt with a condition she couldn’t hide. She now has a Master’s degree in Social Work and a husband with four daughters. I reached out to her and she agreed to answer some of my questions.

MM: Were you born with vitiligo, or was that something you developed? When did you first notice it and how did it make you feel?

Stephanie: Vitiligo is an autoimmune disease affecting about 1% of the people across the globe. With vitiligo, your immune system unexplainably attacks and kills your melanocytes, which are the skin cells that produce your melanin; this process causes the skin in that area to turn white. Vitiligo looks different for many people. It is most noticeable in people with darker skin. At present, vitiligo has affected the skin over my entire body, which is now white. It started developing when I was 10-years-old. I noticed a small white patch on one of my ankles. When it didn’t go away, and instead started getting bigger, my grandmother took me to see a dermatologist. I very clearly remember my doctor explaining the disease to me. He explained that it was an autoimmune disease, which would be unpredictable throughout my life. I was given a topical cream to try to bring back my pigment on the area, but it was unsuccessful. I was offered light therapy, but my grandmother was not comfortable with the cancer risk the UV light would pose on me over a prolonged period of time, so we opted against it. 

“The condition presents itself most often in a parallel fashion where the spots on the left side of your body are nearly exactly the same as on the right side of your body, much like the wings on a butterfly. ”

MM: Did any other relatives have it who you could relate to?

Stephanie: About 30% of people with vitiligo have a relative with the condition. No one on either side of my family had the disease.

MM: Was having vitiligo something you ever had trouble accepting? Did it affect your self-esteem? If so, who/what helped you feel comfortable in your skin? I love your IG profile picture [pictured below]! It’s so beautiful, and to me shows that you have so much confidence, but what has that journey of self-love and gaining confidence looked like for you?

Stephanie: Of course, I had trouble accepting my vitiligo and that has been something I’ve dealt with for nearly 3 decades. I was very confident in myself before my vitiligo and in the first year or two, it didn’t bother me much. I was entering 5th grade when we noticed it. Once I started middle school, it really bothered me. For 6th and 7th grade, it was mostly concentrated on my legs with a few spots on my hands. I could easily hide it with long pants. I struggled most with changing into a gym uniform where people would see my legs and stare. One summer I refused to wear shorts and wanted to stay in the house most of the time. My grandparents had a friend with vitiligo, another Latina who they asked to come by and talk to me. She explained how she refused to let it hold her back and interfere with her life and that people would love me no matter what. That helped a bit.

I was never able to hide my condition with makeup like many people do. We tried a few foundations but could never find a perfect match for my skin tone, so we gave up quickly. I did start coloring my hair in the 8th grade because the disease causes my hair to turn white. I’ve colored it ever since. More recently, my eyebrows are turning white, which I color as well.

While I like to think I was confident in my skin for most of my teen years, I look back and see very few pictures from those years. It wasn’t something I showcased proudly. At age 23 my skin turned completely white, and for a few years, I was thankful I no longer had a mix of brown and white skin. I wasn’t an oddity; people stopped staring. Then I realized people started to mistake me for a white woman when I always identified as a proud trigueña… this has been the most challenging part of the disease for me over the last decade. I still struggle with being a brown girl in a now fully white body. I recognize the privileges I’m afforded for it and it’s incredibly sad to know my sisters or brother can go into the same spaces and be treated much differently because of their brown skin. Even when people find out I’m Puerto Rican I’ve had people say with such admiration on several accounts, “Wow your family must be purebred Spaniard to have such white skin and dark hair, that’s great.” I quickly check them and explain my vitiligo. My profile picture is of a painting I saw online that took my breath away. I want folks to know that though it isn’t easily seen, I’m still a brown girl and that I will not stop fighting for the end of racism even though I’m no longer as overtly affected by it as my loved ones. I’ve used a lot of this life experience in my teaching as a Lecturer in Social Work.

Vitiligo

Artist: Adam Clemente

MM: What has your experience with vitiligo been? Did you experience any bullying? If so, how did you handle that? Had your family prepared you for it? What was your support system like?

Stephanie: My family is very thick-skinned. We pretty much roast each other as soon as we can talk, so that helped me deal with being picked on in school. I’ve always been pretty quick-witted, so I often had comebacks and tried my best to remain poised and in control of my reactions. That’s not to say I didn’t go home and cry myself to sleep many nights in middle school and some of high school. When it spread to my eyes I had white circles around each eye. I was called patches, Dalmatian, and cow.

I did decide not to let it hold me back and auditioned for a small fashion show at school for a national retailer when I was in 7th grade. Being selected to model boosted my self-esteem. I went on to model a few cultural events.

Stephanie in her teen years

MM: That is so cool you modeled in fashion shows! I remember being present during one of your Catechism classes when I was a kid. It was the children’s first day and you were explaining your vitiligo. You told them it was nothing contagious. Why did you feel the need to say that? Did you feel like it was your job to teach others about it? Did you feel like you had to put people at ease?

Stephanie: I can’t believe you remember that! Yes, when around small children while my skin was in patches, I always felt the need to explain the condition to be able to satisfy the child’s curiosity and move on. Some children would be initially scared of it, others very curious of how my skin felt. From a distance it didn’t look smooth, the color contrasted so much that it could look like my white patches were shallower than my brown skin, causing many people to think I’d been severely burned. I never had a problem explaining it to children, and many times would explain it before they could ask when I’d see a curious look on their faces as they stared in the grocery store or other public spaces. Adults, however, I’ve had far less patience with. I would be asked rudely what was wrong with me by strangers or pitied for having been in a fire, as they assumed. I would find myself in line at a store, feeling trapped by questions or stares with the only goal of getting out as fast as I could. Explaining it to others, especially strangers, felt draining.

MM: Growing up did you see anyone in media that looked like you? If you didn’t, did that skew your idea of beauty? Did you ever doubt your appearance? Isn’t it amazing we’re seeing men and women now with vitiligo in the beauty and fashion industry? I think of the model Winnie Harlow. She’s everywhere and has worked with Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian! How do you feel about this long overdue representation?

STEPHANIE: No, besides Michael Jackson, I knew of no one famous with this disease and it was largely stigmatized with Michael Jackson; many people thought it was made up. I’m thankful though that there are several prominent models with vitiligo. There is a lot of beauty in it that I can now see through them that I never really saw in myself. The condition presents itself most often in a parallel fashion where the spots on the left side of your body are nearly exactly the same as on the right side of your body, much like the wings on a butterfly. It’s fascinating and seeing so many men and women—even children—stand confidently in their skin with vitiligo is inspiring to me now. I even have the Vitiligo Barbie doll proudly showcased in my office.

MM: What would you say to anyone dealing with an insecurity they can’t hide?

Stephanie: It is really hard to embrace something that has brought or brings you pain. It isn’t easy. There are three things that I believe really contributed to my resilience and confidence:

My faith: I often thought of vitiligo as a test. It kept me grounded and humble. One of my mentors, a nun from our parish, taught me gold is tested through fire, and throughout my life she has continued to remind me of the Scriptures that assure us of this. It has helped me to overcome adversity in many forms, but more particularly, with my vitiligo, she explained how precious I was in God’s eyes. I learned through these Scriptures that if I lived confidently and faithfully without animosity for having the disease, I’d shine like the precious metal. Job 23:10: “Yet He knows the way I have taken; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”

My friends and family: They encouraged me to embrace my vitiligo. I have been blessed with amazing friends in each stage of my life. Especially my friends in college; they motivated me to be my best self and showcase my beauty.

Remaining active: Pushing forward, meeting new people through new activities be it a job, a social club, volunteer organization, or sport, I have challenged myself to be active. If I had pulled back and sulked I know I would have stayed in that space for a long time. Instead, I tried my best to remain engaged with things that brought me joy and still do today.

MM: Your girls are so pretty! How are you teaching them to love themselves and have confidence?

Stephanie: I’m so thankful for four gorgeous daughters who are kind, intelligent, and confident. Vitiligo taught me a lot about beauty, and it is far beyond skin-deep. Looking for the beauty in others comes in many forms. I remind them regularly of their physical beauty but do my best to commend them and point out the beauty within them as well. They are very aware of my vitiligo though none of them knew me with my spots. They are very protective of my skin, reminding me to wear my sunscreen or cover up when I’m in the sun a little too long. They know they come from a rich diverse background and they embrace their brown skin.

**I want to hear from you! What is an insecurity you have or had in the past that you couldn’t hide? Through your own experiences and the lack of real representation in media, what have you had to unlearn about beauty? Email a short paragraph or a couple sentences to mymiseducationblog@gmail.com and have your story featured on MyMiseducation’s Instagram page. Share your name or state if you prefer to be anonymous.

Oakes, Kelly. “The complicated truth about social media and body image.” BBC,  March 11, 2019. https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190311-how-social-media-affects-body-image.

 Vogue Australia. “Joan Smalls goes home to Puerto Rico.” YouTube, 30 Apr. 2019,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuS48_pvYs4 .