Burnout

Burnout. noun. Fatigue, frustration, or apathy resulting from prolonged stress, overwork, or intense activity.

Without even realizing it, burnout crept up on me and smacked me in the face. It’s hard to see it when you’re just doing the same thing every day, but when you start to feel exhausted even after getting the recommended eight hours of sleep, something’s off. Everything lately feels like work, from the actual 9 to 5 to the routine of getting my son Sebastian ready in the morning for school while simultaneously getting myself ready for the day. A great morning for me is when Sebastian isn’t up super early, so I can get dressed and wash my face in peace. On a day when he’s up before my alarm at 6:00 am goes off, I have to put on a movie for him while I get ready. Like me, Sebastian has mornings when he gets up on the wrong side of the bed and is cranky. He might whine and not want to get dressed, which sometimes leads to him kicking. He has his tantrums, but he eventually calms down. Sometimes he straight up refuses to let me brush his teeth or hair, but I either wait it out or talk him through the moment, and we eventually get through the routine. Recently, he wants to pick his clothes, which is great, but for some reason, he wants to wear his socks that are normally reserved for those trampoline parks and refuses to let me put on his regular socks. He also now prefers wearing one of his pairs of shoes, red and black Nike, which annoys me because they don’t always match his outfit. But like my husband, Albert, says, Sebastian’s probably choosing to wear those particular sneakers because they feel the most comfortable to him, and that’s fine. So now we plan on buying him the same pair in a different color.  

The toughest part of the mornings is getting Sebastian to sit, which is a constant problem any time of the day, but when you’re in a hurry to get to school on time, it’s really important that your little one has time to eat. He also knows where his tablet is and constantly asks for it by throwing my hand in the direction of the cabinet above the stove. On the weekends, I give in and give it to him after breakfast, but he can’t have it before school, or it’ll be next to impossible to take it from him before heading out the door. Some mornings he really doesn’t let up in asking for his tablet, and it can be exhausting saying no so many times. I do his hair in the kitchen after he finishes eating, and I have to block exits with chairs because he runs from the water spray. It’s a relief when we make it to school, and it makes me happy that he’s excited to go in. He has a beautiful smile, which everyone compliments him on, so I’m happy he at least isn’t affected or doesn’t remember how stressful the mornings can sometimes be. 

Then the afternoon comes. After turning off my laptop at the end of the work day, my job doesn’t end. There are dishes to wash or laundry to fold, and only fifteen minutes until Albert comes home with Sebastian. While Albert cooks dinner, I watch Sebastian to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. It’s astonishing that he can be so tired from school and fall asleep in the car, but the second he gets home, he wants his shoes off and is off like Sonic. There aren’t any breaks until Sebastian’s down for the night, usually around 8:30. Then Albert and I will watch some TV. I’m lucky that we share the same interests in movies and shows because we love talking about them afterward. We used to do a podcast before the pandemic hit, and it was really fun to have a creative outlet together where we could share our conversations with other people. Having a consistent babysitter to watch Sebastian on the same day each week is hard, so we plan on bringing the pod back once he's older. I also have to squeeze in my writing time once Sebastian’s asleep. When I was writing my novel, I’d write any free second I could find. That often meant writing on my notes app or opening Google docs on my phone. The constant hustle of securing a minute or two of free time is stressful and draining, but there’s no other way around it since I have a full-time job—if I don’t use my spare time for writing, then it doesn’t get done, and that’s just not an option. 

Having so much on your plate and so little time for yourself is overwhelming. I’ve learned that it’s okay to say you’re tired and need a break. I ask for help when I need it, set boundaries, and show myself more grace when I don’t get everything done. When Sebastian sleeps over my parents’ house, I stay in bed a little longer. What’s also helped me get through this time is taking my husband’s advice and listing the things I’m grateful for. While it tires me out that life is a grind, action is definitely better than stagnancy. Recently, I’ve been searching and applying for jobs in a writing-related field, which feels like a job, but it makes me feel good knowing I’m trying to change my circumstances. Social work is an extremely draining and underpaid field, but I understand its purpose in my life. It’s helped me break out of my shell by meeting and talking to new people, seeing their behaviors and patterns, and learning about mental health. Many authors were journalists before they became novelists, and I think my experience as a caseworker is very similar. Being in the field for over a decade has helped me create authentic characters and understand better how the world works. My job is also very flexible and allows me to work from home. I don’t have to think about it much once I’m done for the day, and I’m thankful for that because it allows me to pursue my writing. 

I’m especially grateful for my support system, like my parents, who are excellent grandparents. They’re really helpful in watching Sebastian for a night so Albert and I can go out or rest at home before returning to work the next day. They’re incredibly supportive of my creative writing dreams and help me out by babysitting on Sundays so I can work on recording an audiobook for my novel, Bendito. My sister narrates while Albert records it, and I’m grateful to them for giving up their free time to help me. I’ve also found that small things like listening to my favorite songs can instantly change my mood. Going outside and feeling the sun on my face or the wind brush my cheek can do wonders after sitting at my desk all day. I remind myself, too, not to stress the small stuff. It’s not that serious if Sebastian doesn’t let me brush his hair or wants to wear the same pair of shoes. If you go with the flow, things don’t have to be such a fight, and you’ll have more time to breathe and relax. Burnout doesn’t last forever, and it’s a good reminder that you’re doing a lot, which isn’t a bad thing, but your body is saying you need to pause. It could also be telling you you’ve been doing something for too long that no longer benefits you, and that’s okay too. You need to be aware of the changes you need to make in your life, and that’s what I’m doing. Whether it’s a job or a personality trait, there are things we need to let go of because they no longer serve us. In a society that can run you to the ground, it’s crucial that we make our mental health our first priority.